the shit storm by janey smith

THE SHIT STORM

A Shotlist by Janey Smith

1. You wake up.
2. It’s 5pm.
3. You don’t know what to do because you are still sleepy so you just lie there, like, you don’t do anything, just stare a lot into space.
4. You keep staring.
5. Staring.
6. Into space.
7. It’s 6:30pm.
8. You pick the seeds out of your eyes.
9. You eat the seeds.
10. You pick your nose.
11. You keep picking it for a long time (close up).
12. You get all wet down there.
13. You keep picking.
14. The phone rings (pan).
15. You keep picking (close up).
16. It rings (pan).
17. You change position real fast.
18. Then you keep picking. But you also start fingerbanging yourself under your panties.
19. You fingerbang and pick, like, in a strange rhythm or something, like, it’s almost this squishy music (split screen, slow flashing light).
20. The ringing stops.
21. A blue-white polar bear enters the room, sliding on the floor because it has been hibernating for five months. Its legs are weak.
22. The blue-white polar bear asks you if you want some crepe suzette, or maybe challah French toast.
23. You stop banging yourself and think for a moment. You keep picking your nose and say: “cereal.”
24. The blue-white polar bear slides out of the room kind of clumsy. Like, it takes it a long time to get out of the room since its legs are so weak from hibernation it has to slide around on its belly (continuous, no edits).
25. Your nose starts to bleed (close up).
26. You lick the nose-blood and give yourself a mustache with your tongue.
27. The blood keeps coming out.
28. The phone rings (the camera falls over).
29. You change position all fast again and start fingerbanging yourself with the blood (camera on side, films your feet).
30. The ringing stops suddenly.
31. A baby blue-white polar bear enters the room with some cereal (all you can see is his feet).
32. You stop and ask the blue-white baby polar bear to help you.
33. You change positions really fast so that you are on your side with your arms open gesturing for the baby bear to hug you. The blue-white baby polar bear gets close to you and sniffs you. It licks your bloody nose.
34. It keeps licking it.
35. You hug it (all cute-like).
36. The polar bear keeps licking your bloody nose.
37. You guys lie there for a long time all still, the blue-white baby bear looking over your shoulder into space (close up).
38. You ask the blue-white baby polar bear if there is “a way out of this world?” (aerial shot or something)
39. The baby polar bear licks your nose some more even though it’s not bleeding.
40. You guys look at each other a lot. You hold the baby polar bear. You pet it.
41. You both laugh.
42. The end.
The following is a real email Janey (the author) sent to the San Francisco Zoo, requesting permission to use a real baby polar bear to film this piece and make it a real reality.
[from an email sent October 6, 2009]
Dear Zoo Keeper:
My name is Janey.
My friend Jessamyn is a movie star.
We have an idea for this film where Jessamyn, the movie star, and a baby polar bear hug a lot. We have the equipment to make the film. We have a cast and crew. We even have a movie star (Jessamyn). But we don't have a baby polar bear because all of the baby polar bears around here are at the zoo.
Will you help us?
We will give you ten dollars (that's $10) or whatever you want in food to have Jessamyn hug a baby polar bear so we can film it. Jessamyn is very cute so that baby polar bear will probably like getting all these hugs from her.
Please write back if you know that you can help us somehow.
The Director,
JANEY SMITH