THOUGHTS BEFORE A PARACHUTE FAILS by Crispin Best How much would it cost to get a prostitute to give me a backscratch? I am hungry. It might be funny to wear a hockey mask to work and move gently around the office, making myself a cup of tea, letting it go cold while I stare at my computer screen. Can I dance right while falling? Let’s try. It might be funny to be addicted to cough syrup. How easy would it be to get my ex-girlfriend to give me a backscratch? I want to eat the breadcrumbs off of around 300 fish fingers and use what remains for a domino run. Sky-diving is pretty nice. I should buy an incredibly long rope to carry on my shoulder whenever, just in case. I am falling through the air. Weeeee! I wish my body was a karaoke booth. What is an ‘everything bagel’? The Sun is middle-aged. I am cold. I wish my body was an open air theatre putting on a production of ‘Sister Act: The Musical’. It might be funny to be addicted to Sunny Delight. I am alive and I am falling through the air. Strange. The universe was once the size of the Epcot Centre. It might be funny to cover my body with post-it notes saying ‘haha!’ and then move gently around my office. I want to arm-wrestle a baby and lose. I should pull the ripcord soon, I think. The Sun will envelop the Earth and later on the Sun will explode. I want to eat pretzels until my entire body is full of them and my body seizes up. The universe was once the size of a cantaloupe. I think if the world was flat I’d be able to see forever, right? I wonder whether it would be worse to swim in a pool of cowhearts or pineapples? If my mouth was wide open for the rest of my life, would that be ok? Weeeee! I want to arm-wrestle a really strong baby. How much would it cost to buy a smaller-than-average pig? At all times we are trying to smash into the centre of the Earth. I would quite like to punch a watermelon twelve or thirteen times and then eat a handful of watermelon and then breathe heavily for a bit. I am going to pull this ripcord soon. I wonder if I could pay the girl from the Korean supermarket to give me a backscratch. I want a mugger to cut me and I want to bleed pretzels. I would like to put the carcass of a watermelon on my head and move gently around my office and then sit down and swivel slowly in my chair. Wait. You can’t unpull the ripcord. I wonder what an oak tree tastes like. Is this remarkable? Swimming seems funny. Weeeee! Ripcord.